Growing up, I always assumed my family was weird. Not just my parents and siblings, who were obviously oddballs, but the whole extended family–including my whackadoodle uncles, grandparents, and cousins. 

I was wrong. though. Turns out everyone else’s family is just as strange. That’s why I think you’ll relate to these stories.  

I’m writing about the early years because that’s when everything is new, exciting, and extremely important. Your friends, adventures, decisions, experiences and impressions really matter, because they shape everything that’s to come. 

The first thing I think of is all the stuff that didn’t happen when I was young. I didn’t shoot my eye out with a BB gun. I didn’t run with scissors, fall and puncture my liver. I didn’t hook the Geezer’s nose when I was learning how to cast, or knock out my front teeth when I pulled a wheelie on my bike and the front wheel fell off and I face-planted into the asphalt.

On the other hand, a lot of bizarre things actually did happen. A total stranger punched me in the face. The police chased me (more than once). Some guy hit me with his car while I was riding my bike, and I flew all the way across a busy highway. I’ve been screamed at by principals, teachers, and friends’ parents. And I almost died when I was five.

All those stories are in here. But the “big adventure” stories are just flukes. Mostly what I remember about growing up is little stuff. Funny stuff. Like the stupid jokes from grade school, and the pranks, and the hilarious things my lunkhead friends did and said. Those are all in here too, including what Mark Finnegan said in second grade that made me wet my pants from laughing so hard. Hope you enjoy them.