(Mark is a friend of my brother Dan’s, and he kindly let us stay overnight at his summer cabin one night each year during our annual family bike rides from Madison to Northern Wisconsin. I’ve still never actually met Mark.)

Dear Mark,

Considering that you have generously allowed my father, mother, brother, sister, assorted friends, and me to stay at your charming second home in Wild Rose each fall for the past five years, and that you have asked (and received) absolutely nothing in return, I feel slightly awkward writing to you about this particular subject. However, since I was born and raised Presbyterian, I understand the importance of helping my fellow human beings improve their lives, and I pride myself on missing no opportunity to enable others to benefit from my observations.

So it is in the spirit of collaboration and sharing that I offer the following insights about your home, with hopes that you will see these not as “complaints” but rather as opportunities to make improvements that will make life better for all of us. Specifically:

· The selection of wines was rudimentary to say the least, and there was no recycling bin for all the empty bottles.

· When I washed my shoes, the washing machine made a very loud and annoying WHUMPWHUMPWHUMPWHUMP sound, followed by a screeching noise. I have scheduled an appointment with the repairman next Tuesday at 8:00 a.m.—could you please be there?

· Once the toilet is plugged up, it doesn’t matter how many times you flush it—it always overflows. And your floor leaks, which explains the large puddle in the basement.

· Small objects thrown even lightly—for example the bricks from your planter—make extremely large dents in the vinyl siding. I’d call whoever put that in for you.

· No mints for my pillow. I’m sure you’d call that a “minor oversight,” but that’s the kind of thing that can ruin the whole experience for a guest.

· Thanks for pinning up money on your walls for us to use, but all of it together only paid for one breakfast.

I could go on, but you can start to see the pattern already. While others may see these shortcomings as a fundamental failure on the part of the host, I dismiss them as mere inattentiveness. Nothing that can’t be quickly and easily corrected. I look forward to visiting again next fall and seeing the progress you’ve made.

Sincerely,

John Boutelle

RESPONSE FROM MARK SENZ

John, I read your email and appreciate your insights, but I do have a few comments. First of all we do not have any rudimentary wines. Those are Catholic wines. No need to recycle as we throw the bottles in the ditch as we drive home so the people will have something to pick up when they adopt the highway.

The WHUMPWHUMPWHUMPWHUMP was probably from your bike helmet in the washer. Next year I would recommend you put it in the dishwasher to eliminate any noise.

About the toilet being plugged up: it works better for us to flush after each time, being used to not waiting two days—I think you would avoid any future problems. I’m sorry about the mints BUT had you looked under the bed I’m sure you would have found Halloween candy from two years ago. There should have been enough money to buy a dozen of the two-week-old donuts at Benny’s market down the road as I always can find them there.

I can only hope that for your next visit we will have the chairs in the living room not the bedrooms. Thanks for your comments.

Sincerely,

Mark