As you can imagine, my siblings and I went through a long string of babysitters over the years. There was Dawn, who got fired after she couldn’t find Heff one day and called the police, who found her sleeping in her crib. There was Mrs. Day, who took us all to her mobile home one time so her husband could teach us how to play the accordion. And there was a whole series of babysitters from the same family—the Shinabargers.
We loved all of them, but we wore them all out one by one: First it was Kelly Shinabarger, then Bobbi Jo Shinabarger, then Janet Shinabarger. Janet lasted the longest—a couple of years—and we’ll always think of her as a member of our family. I still hope they’ll let her out of the asylum one day.
But one of the Shinabargers actually figured out how to whip us into shape: Jon Shinabarger.
During his first session with the four of us kids, after taking in the general chaos that was our household, Jon devised a plan that was pure genius. The next time he came to babysit, he was wearing a military uniform, with a bunch of really cool medals pinned to his chest. He gathered us around him.
“I’m not going to treat you like kids anymore,” he said. “And I’m not your babysitter anymore. We’re all in the Army now. I’m your commanding officer. You will obey my orders. You will do exactly what I say. You will do it when I say you will do it. In return, you will be rewarded. You will receive a promotion for excellent behavior. You see these medals? I will award you one medal for each day you do a good job following my orders. Do you understand?”
We stared at him, transfixed, then nodded. I understood completely. I wanted a whole bunch of those medals.
“Are there any questions?” he asked.
I raised my hand. “If we get promoted, what do we get promoted to?” I asked.
“You will start at the rank of Private,” he said. “Then you will advance to Private First Class, Specialist, Corporal, Sergeant, Master Sergeant, Warrant Officer, Chief Warrant Officer, Second Lieutenant, First Lieutenant, Major, Lieutenant Colonel, Colonel, then Major General. The highest rank you can achieve is 5-Star General.”
Wow, I thought. I’m going to have to be very, very good for a very long time. And I was.
