I never took friends with me to church and there are two reasons. One is that none of my friends ever wanted to go to church if they didn’t have to. The other is because I invited Finny (Mark Finnegan) one time and he actually came.
Here’s the thing about friends in church. They try to make you laugh. Especially during the quiet, serious parts, like prayers and benedictions and sermons. When they try, they usually succeed. What’s worse, the more you try not to laugh the harder it gets to hold it in.
During a prayer about halfway through the service, while the minister was making a profound appeal that the sick would be healed, that the hungry would find sustenance, and that the lonely would be comforted by the companionship of family and friends, I saw Finny staring at me slack-jawed and cross-eyed. I had to stifle a guffaw and looked away. I was determined not to look at him again because I knew I was on the brink.
He tapped on my shoulder. I wouldn’t look. I stared at the back of Mr. Long’s head to avoid even thinking about whatever new face Finny was making. He tapped on my shoulder again and handed me a note. Without looking at him, I read the note.
“What’s bigger than Winnie’s Pooh?” it said. There was no answer written on the paper. I flipped it over and there was nothing on the other side.
“Gomer’s pile,” Finny whispered.
That did it. I snorted a muffled laugh, then tried desperately to control myself, which only made it worse. I pretended I was coughing and covered my face with a hymn book. It wasn’t working. The attempt to hold it back took my entire focus, to the extent that I didn’t notice right away that I had partially wet my pants.
My laughter was quickly replaced by panic. How was I going to get out of here without being discovered? I untucked my shirt and covered myself. When the service was finally over, I grabbed a program, held it low, and made a hasty exit out the side door.
Finny followed me out. “Hey, what’s the hurry?” he asked. “Didn’t you like my joke?”
“You’re going to burn in hell,” I said. “Hey, want to go fishing?”